Critique/Feedback (Goblin, Orc, Trolls)
Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2021 9:12 pm
This topic is not intended to judge the author.
I did read OGT, and while it does carry some issues and overused elements, does carry some potential that could be salvaged.
Personally, OGT would be better called "Amazon Island Otherworld" as it's written as a spiritual sucessor to the former.
As it stands, the idea of Orcs Goblin and Trolls would be better achieved as a RPG game. (Like peasant quest on MV) than as a flash novel. Mainly due to overused elements and limitations on character model.
It's technically possible but could improve the writing if it's not harsh to do so.
If I could sugest (or the author is open to feedback).:
A) Split Mac into two characters to simplyfy unecessary context (village, etc)
B) Turn the three cursed woman into something kin to the pre exploration era (before men travelled into sea) with a bit of fantasy on top of it.
C) Replace the Orc part with something a little more original? like a red Oni and focus more on body traits as detailed in the end.
Everlast Island
In Tales of old, a legends tells how the common earth sucked a millennia ago, where the ancient used to be tore apart until the Immortal Dark king found a way to put a end to it.
It's said that by luring the people of the mountains, of the wild and of the feet with the secrets of it's own weakeness, managed to trap and trick most of their bearers to the unreturnable everlasting lands due to being impermeable by men.
All with the hopes of acquiring it for themselves, or using it to end the King's power, but to late to see his ruse, the men and remaining woman of the three nations united in a desperate attack in attempt to take revenge for it's curse.
Bringing their kind to it's end along the King and his people. While the people of the middle earth where the only ones who didn't fall or believe it, as it's said...
-Mac: and do you believe in this bullshit? (Says a young man abroad a Viking ship to his friend)
-Dickus: Why not? Imagine dude, an island full of cock starved savage beauty waiting for us there... (Starts drooling)
-Mac: Ridiculous! What do you expect? For me to crash my granny ship with the promise of woman?! Nonsense, I have more than enough trouble with my woman after my empty pockets!.. But..
-Mac: but of course, I can't say no to mister... (Gets a bag of coin from a misterious man covered by his hood).
-Dickus: You say that but you are willing to dive in dark waters for a stranger with a suspicious amount of coin.
-Mac: Shit up! /-Dickus: You know men die by these bands right?
-Mac: Whatever! But weren't you the one waiting to wake in a magical island? (Smugs)
-Dickus: Nah, you know you are a dick? Well I prefer to fill my belly full of mead, so tell me later how will be your headache once we regret it. We could be pretty much...
"Said words sounds like a distant memory, as a sudden pain cross the poor Mac's head as all he sees now are what is left of his ship."
It's dark, raining with flash of lights roaring from the skies, when he bumps his head into a scary figure masked with a skull and a double axe resting in it's side shoulder...
Fuck Or Die continue...
Not completed, but his ideia would benefit more in a Suspense/ Porn game. (Hide seek) than a novel due to it's limits. Other than that, to make more fresh would suggest to be original with the characters.
Using a red Oni instead of a Orc. Basically the snu snu archetype. Amazon muscle woman.
Add "Walk on me" type to the troll as a giantess like lady dimitrscu from RE8
And the Goblin as a shortstack (like Midna) which is inviable in MNF titles.
For one that's more close the author ideia, I would discart the Island part and go with another scenario.
I did read OGT, and while it does carry some issues and overused elements, does carry some potential that could be salvaged.
Personally, OGT would be better called "Amazon Island Otherworld" as it's written as a spiritual sucessor to the former.
As it stands, the idea of Orcs Goblin and Trolls would be better achieved as a RPG game. (Like peasant quest on MV) than as a flash novel. Mainly due to overused elements and limitations on character model.
It's technically possible but could improve the writing if it's not harsh to do so.
If I could sugest (or the author is open to feedback).:
A) Split Mac into two characters to simplyfy unecessary context (village, etc)
B) Turn the three cursed woman into something kin to the pre exploration era (before men travelled into sea) with a bit of fantasy on top of it.
C) Replace the Orc part with something a little more original? like a red Oni and focus more on body traits as detailed in the end.
Everlast Island
In Tales of old, a legends tells how the common earth sucked a millennia ago, where the ancient used to be tore apart until the Immortal Dark king found a way to put a end to it.
It's said that by luring the people of the mountains, of the wild and of the feet with the secrets of it's own weakeness, managed to trap and trick most of their bearers to the unreturnable everlasting lands due to being impermeable by men.
All with the hopes of acquiring it for themselves, or using it to end the King's power, but to late to see his ruse, the men and remaining woman of the three nations united in a desperate attack in attempt to take revenge for it's curse.
Bringing their kind to it's end along the King and his people. While the people of the middle earth where the only ones who didn't fall or believe it, as it's said...
-Mac: and do you believe in this bullshit? (Says a young man abroad a Viking ship to his friend)
-Dickus: Why not? Imagine dude, an island full of cock starved savage beauty waiting for us there... (Starts drooling)
-Mac: Ridiculous! What do you expect? For me to crash my granny ship with the promise of woman?! Nonsense, I have more than enough trouble with my woman after my empty pockets!.. But..
-Mac: but of course, I can't say no to mister... (Gets a bag of coin from a misterious man covered by his hood).
-Dickus: You say that but you are willing to dive in dark waters for a stranger with a suspicious amount of coin.
-Mac: Shit up! /-Dickus: You know men die by these bands right?
-Mac: Whatever! But weren't you the one waiting to wake in a magical island? (Smugs)
-Dickus: Nah, you know you are a dick? Well I prefer to fill my belly full of mead, so tell me later how will be your headache once we regret it. We could be pretty much...
"Said words sounds like a distant memory, as a sudden pain cross the poor Mac's head as all he sees now are what is left of his ship."
It's dark, raining with flash of lights roaring from the skies, when he bumps his head into a scary figure masked with a skull and a double axe resting in it's side shoulder...
Fuck Or Die continue...
Not completed, but his ideia would benefit more in a Suspense/ Porn game. (Hide seek) than a novel due to it's limits. Other than that, to make more fresh would suggest to be original with the characters.
Using a red Oni instead of a Orc. Basically the snu snu archetype. Amazon muscle woman.
Add "Walk on me" type to the troll as a giantess like lady dimitrscu from RE8
And the Goblin as a shortstack (like Midna) which is inviable in MNF titles.
For one that's more close the author ideia, I would discart the Island part and go with another scenario.